When The Children Lie

Lie, a false statement made with the intention of deceiving, is often done by everyone. If lying is become usual habits since children age, it will create big troubles for a family.

Understanding your children personality is very important to overcome their lying habits. There are many lying acts which appear in children, such as:, turning over the facts, weighting some news or informations, and projecting (blame on others as the black sheep).

The Cause of Lying Attitude

Find the cause! That is the best way to observe the motives, or reasons, why a child becomes a lying child. Here are some of the motives:

• Self Fortress
  Fear of getting a punishment from their parent, are making children to build their own fortress. Parents should not always reward their children with punishment, if they make mistakes.
• Trauma
  Recent activity, bullying for example, which brought bad memory can disturb children's mind. The trauma that they just had, is made them not to tell the truth.
• Love and Trust
  Parents with 24/7 jobs are sometimes forgetting their main job, become parent. The need of love from their parent becomes the trigger. Children are lying also because they seek an opportunity to gain trust from their parent.
• False Hallucination
  Children who do not have a brother or sister, sometimes is making their own imaginary friend. They often play by themselves and talking alone. This kind of expressions intend to create false acts, in order that their parent is willing to give them a brother or sister.
• A Good Deed
  A boy came home with his shirt was covered with muds. His mother was angry, and asking the cause. The boy then said that, a passing car had thrown the muds from its tires on him. But the truth was, he just helped a little girl who accidently grabbed his shirt with her muddy hands.
• Gratitude
  Children sometimes are telling false story about themselves, in an intention to create positive image. Competition with their brother or sister, makes children try harder to get positive gratitude from their parent.

How to Overcome Children's Lying Attitude

Practicing honesty at children's early age is very important. The first is by trusting your children to do whatever they want. Every children are needed to be trusted on doing anything (good things).

Parents should avoid on raising their children with too many punishments. A boy who raised with punishments, will make him more creative to find new ways to protect himself, this includes of telling lies.

Do not always blame on your children mistakes. It will only make them more desperate, having no stand-point, useless person with no hope, losing their confidences, and even having mentally ill. Another consequence, they will believe that their lying habits are the best thing to do.

Parents should teach their children about the virtue of honesty. There is no such thing called white lie. By telling the truth is better than telling lie, no matter the truth hurts. In some heavy cases, it will need the help from a shrink.

Being Good Parent

Children tend to be critical about everything, and they would learn by examples. Parents could not teach honesty to their children, if they do not always tell the truth.

Every children deserve of getting loves and affections. Parents should support whenever their children were having troubles. By being their best friend in sorrow, will make them to be an open minded, and not an introvert person.

Home sweet home. It starts at home, the very small society. The first place for children to learn on how to socialize. A warm family is the key to the development of children's characters and personalities. A good parent would not pass away the development of their children since early ages.

Reference:
Mengapa Anak Suka Berbohong? by Anna Adhiyatmi Riantobi
Kana, 12 Tahun VII, Desember 2012.

How To Establish Good Relations with Your Mother in Law

My Wife with My Mother (left) at Surabaya Zoo

All my neighbours are always jealous with the relationship that my wife and my mother had. They thought that I was the one who became my mother son in law, because my wife is like my mom's own daughter.

Just like oil and water, so are your relationship with your mother in law. There are many ways to establish harmonious relationship, if you want to be prudent. Relationships with in laws are not easy, especially if you have different pattern of life and perspectives.

As our own parents, son and daughter in law are considered to have less life experience. Lifestyle differences may also be due to generational differences. Do not think that your lifestyles are the most correct. Try to observe your mother in law lifestyles! You may find many positive things that you can learn from.

Establishing good relationship with in laws are not as difficult as we might think. Try the following tips :

Do not compete with your mother in law.
However, your mother in law is your husband's mother. You and your mother in law are having different roles and positions. Respect your mother in law as if she is your own mother.

Make your mother in law as a model.
As the last person comes into your husband's family, you have much to learn how to interact with your husband's family. Marriage is not only to unite you with your husband, but also to unite your family with husband's family. You can learn from your mother in law, how to adapt with other husband's family members.

Try to live apart.
Having your own home after marriage is every young couple's dream. By living together with your husband, you will learn how to become a wife. Minor conflict with your mother in law can be avoided, and vice versa conflict between husband with your mother.

Note your mother in law's favorite food.
Whether you cook for yourself, or buy her favorite foods, it will give a positive effect on your relationship. She will regard your attention to her. This action will directly touch of her feelings. Especially if the food is made on your own. Although the taste is awful, but it will not be a problem. It has shown an attention.

Do not tell bad conduct about your husband.
Your husband is her biological son. There is no mother would able to receive bad note about her son. If you are in trouble with your husband, and wanted to tell her. State the issues by using words as smooth as possible. Despite it all, you and your husband alone that should be completed your problems without any intervention from others.

Do not expect your mother in law to change.
She is not your biological parents. You cannot force her to conform with you. If your mother in law is a widow, come to live with you in your own house, you are the one that supposed to adjust. You should take care and pay attention to her needs. As if you treat your own mother.

Your marriage with your husband has united two families. Good relations must be maintained. Even if you did not managed to establish good relations with your mother in law, teach your children to honor and cherish your in laws.

You should not to discriminate the love between your mother and your mother in law. Children should learn to respect and love the elders, your in laws, although they do not get the love in return. That is to proof our devotion to our parents.

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving

Note: Above post is an edited repost from my inactive blog.

How To Make A Living Happy Family

The Most Valuable Treasure Part 2

Peacefulness, joy and happiness are always became every family's goals. It is parent's job to ensure those will happen. Sometimes we call ourselves as the one who works 24/7 to make a living for our family. But, does it make our wife and kids be happy?

Ask yourself! How many times did you have a dinner together in a week? How many hours did you spend together at the weekend?

It is just the same as if we want our marriage to be lasted long. All negative communications must be avoided. Communication! Yes, the quality of communications in our family.

Positive Communications

The followings are five habits that you must start to create inside your family:

1. Happy Situation
   Every family members must willing to create a happy situation when entering your home. I think you would say this, It will be hard if you have a two naughty kids.
   

   That is totally correct! But, by starting with you and your wife at first, and then eventually your kids will follow, if both of you manage to make it as a good habit.

2. Greetings
   Every family members must greet to one another when entering or leaving your home. It is just the same as creating a happy situation.
   

   If parents are just had a very bad day outside, at work, or at the way home, try to put those troubles outside your porch, before entering your house. You will have your time to share your stories.

3. The Kiss of Love
   Get used to kiss to one another when entering or leaving your home. Did you know that kissing will make you have a prolong life?
   

   Kissing is a way to release your tensed nerves. By starting your day to kiss your wife and kids, will make you happier, and relieve your muscle tense after ending your day.

4. No Room for Secrets
   Now its time to take your troubles that you had left on your porch. Tell to your family what you have been through the whole day, when you are having your dinner together.
   

   Try to encourage your kids to do the same! Ask them about everything that they had done the whole day! This is the way to build quality communication inside your own family.

5. Room for Honesty
   Children are learning by example. They will try to imitate all what you and your wife had done. When you had already no room for secrets in your home, your kids will also learn to be honest.
   

   Just like I had described in my previous post, if children live with sharing, they learn generosity, and if children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

Negative Comunications

The followings are family habits that used the form of negative communications:

1. Competitive Family
   A family where every family members are competed on one another to get the most intentions from others. Children who live in this family, are often made their parents upset by competing to get a full attention from their parents.
   

   This is sometimes happened when both parents are having full time job, where family gathering was a very precious thing happened only at weekend.

2. Silent Family
   A family that never had a dinner together, interacted, and communicated to one another.
   

   All family members are too busy with their own activities. All of them do not have the willingness to share all their troubles. A child with down syndrome is sometimes became one of the family members, due to never got an input from his parent when he was just a baby.

3. Rudeness Family
   A family where its members are using their home as a place to avange their bad moods. The term rude is not always meant to do cruel things. Although sometimes cruel activities are happening in this family, due to the bad memories that both parent were having when they were youth.
   

   The rudeness was on all family members expressed, such as, speaking many dirty words, condemned on one another, and always shown unhappy expression. Just like making tiny living hell inside home.

4. Horror Family
   A family where its members were shown unhappy expression to one another. The tensed was high inside the house, and considered on one another as mentally ill.
   

   This type of family is more than the rudeness one. All family members were easy to be mad, just only because of small matters. They always felt curiosity and having no trust on one another. Horror family is also called as sensitive family.

So, which kind of family do you have?

Learning From Your Children Naughtiness

Did your children behavior sometimes make you so easily be angry? It's quite often happened to me and my wife. But my wife has more temper than me. When my wife was angry with both of my 6 years old daughter, and 4 years old son, due to their naughtiness, I then suddenly kept my mouth shut.

For me, it's not wise thing to do, when both of us, was angry with our children at the same time. I also told that to my wife. My wife is then doing exactly the same thing as I did, when I got upset with my children behavior.

What did David Hill, a pediatrics, say about children behavior?

David L. Hill, MD, FAAP, Adjunct Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, UNC Medical School. Vice President, Cape Fear Pediatrics. Author of Dad to Dad: Parenting Like a Pro.

Some behavior that seem to be annoying are actually important parts of children's growth and development. At Dr. Hill's office, some small accidents often occured. A boy who came to Dr. Hill's office with his mother, took a tissue at the table, then torn it into pieces.

His mother suddenly apologized to Dr. Hill for what his son had done. Later, Dr. Hill said that what the boy had done was a natural thing. A thing that is good for his normal development. It is very common found in children aged 6 months to 2 years. These kids are looking for a way to practice using his hands.

The more words children hear in a day, the better they learn to talk, said Dr. Hill on his article at Tampa Bay Parenting. You can use 5 words every time you tell your kids something like, "Put that down, it's sharp," instead of, "No!", added Dr. Hill.

Dr. Hill has been an expert on JustAnswer since March 2009. You may find him there, and he will answer any of your pediatrics, medical, and health questions. Or, if you want to know more about Dr. Hill, you may follow his twitter account @davhill.

Dad to Dad: Parenting Like a Pro by David L. Hill, MD, FAAP

What was my experince about it?

My children were also doing the same thing just like the boy did at Dr. Hill's office. They both love to tear tissue into small pieces, and threw it away on the ground, after they used it to wipe their faces. I only asked both of them to pick those rubbish to the trash bin, and none of them were refused to do it.

Here's another of my children behavior that drove me insane. When I was talking with my wife, or with my neighbours, they were often trying to disturb my conversations. Asking anything to me, or repeating what I was saying to my wife or my neighbours, in hoping to get my intentions.

What did Dr. Buck explain about it?

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D., developmental psychologist, counselor educator, registered nurse, founder of Peaceful Parenting Inc. Author of Peaceful Parenting.

Behavior to impersonate others people talk, are doing by children for their development on how to learn to talk. You should not easily be angry, if your children were doing this. But try to approach them by giving an understanding to not do so in public, explained Dr. Buck.

Children often choose by themselves what clothes they want to wear. You might get surprised to see, that they want to use the same clothes, over and over again, then became their favorite. This indicates that they felt confident with their abilities. Children will feel very excited, if they have the power to make a choice, added dr. Buck.

Dr. Buck is now a featured blogger at Psychology Today. You may find lots of her amazing posts there. She also writes 198 pages book of How to be a Great Parent: Understanding Your Child's Wants and Needs, in which will be released on January 14, 2013.

Peaceful Parenting by Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D.	How to be a Great Parent: Understanding Your Child's Wants and Needs by Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D.

When Mother's Words Were No Longer Be Heard

The Sampang Riot

I still remember the words from the elder neighbour, when I was at young age. It's better for kids to be naughty, when they were still children, rather than they become naughty adults. That words suddenly came up in my mind after reading the news about what happened in Sampang, Madura Island, last Sunday, August 26, 2012.

Mass anarchist that have been acted by Ustadz Rois Alhukama's sunni muslims followers to his older brother's shia muslims followers, Ustadz Tajul Muluk, was made 1 man killed, some were injured, and more than 9 houses were burn, in Karang Gayam village, Sampang. The police had arrested Rois as the primary suspect, while his brother Tajul had been already received 2 years in jail conviction for sentence of blasphemy.

The riot actually was started because of personal matter between the 2 brothers who had been conflicted each other, then spreaded into their own religious belief, sunni and shia. According to Khairu Ummah, Tajul's and Rois' mother, little Rois was a decent boy, on the other hand, little Tajul was a naughty boy. She never thought that after they were adults, Rois became the one who never listened her words.

Ummah said that the riot will not happen, if her husband, Makmun was still alive. Makmun, who died 7 years ago, was the one who mediated when his sons conflicted. If only Father were still here, there would not be anything like this. Because of what Father had said, always be obeyed by the children. If it me who said so, it will be ignored by them, said Ummah, whose head was also injured by a thrown stone from angry mobs who attacked her house. I was so sad and embarrassed. It is a personal matter which has long tails, moreover, it involved in a life of a man, said Ummah to Harian Pagi Surya.

According to the Human Rights activist, the attact to Shia community was ever happened before, exactly in December 2011. The suspects were the same mobs. Only there're new mobs added due to many donations, said Vice Executive Director of Human Rights Working Group, Chairul Anam.

Meanwhile, Komnas HAM (Indonesian National Committee of Human Rights) claimed since earlier had already known that there were potential conflicts between Shia Muslims with other Sunni Muslims around them. Our recomendation was being ignored. Several our investigation results were never been reacted, until that attack was happened, said Chief of Komnas HAM, Ifdhal Kasim to Jawa Pos, in Jakarta.

The tolerance between religious Maduranese communities was very high. Maduranese Sunni muslims also memorized Shia muslims salawat, said Mahfud MD, Chairman of Mahkamah Konstitusional (Constitutional Court), a Maduranese figure, to Jawa Pos reporter.

Education is the key point for people who live in cultural diversity, to not get easily be provoked by well educated whom they called master.

If you are parents, teach your kids well enough educations! And not only from any institutions, but also from your own family educations and affections. Be parents that treated your children as friends, not like adults talked to kids!

References:

• Harian Pagi Surya, Headline, August 29, 2012.
• Jawa Pos, Headline, August 29 & 30, 2012.

Online Games Parenting, Business and Culture

Synthetic Worlds: The Business and Culture of Online Games by Edward Castronova

Online Games Parenting

Benefits of online games are still debating by most parents, where internet nowadays, is also becoming the source of home based educations. My cousin who grew with Playstation since he was ten years old, is now become an introvert person. I remembered how he got me impressed by his english study, when he was still at the first grade of elementary school.

I can not blame him entirely for what he has becoming right now, an introvert person who less concerned about his relatives. The blame was on his parent who always spoiled him. He was always playing Playstation, soon after he woke up, he had to take a bath by his mommy, by forcing, until the age of 15 years. Can you imagine that! At that age, he had become addicted of playing both on Playstation or online games.

Last month, I visited my grandparent in Magelang, Central Java. It has been two years since my last visit. My cousin lives with his parent next to my grandparent's house, two houses with a fence. It was two days since I arrived, and he did not even say hello or greet me. I found him in his room, still busied with what he did as usual. But this time, he got also two internet gadgets which both online together at the same time, a Samsung tablet for social networking, and a laptop for playing online games. While the PC was still loading to download games.

He said to me that he's going to continue his study on an University in Yogyakarta. I asked him whether he stayed at a dormitory or not, I can't sleep, if it's not in my home. I will ride with my motorbike to go to college, he answered. The distance between Magelang - Yogyakarta is about 45 km. I guess, he cannot live without internet and online games, because he is no longer enthusiast on playing games with his Playstation2.

Study and Research on Online Games

Several studies about gaming and its impact on children, researchers found that online gaming can have many benefits to children, if it being fully monitored by parents. Thing that was not done by my cousin's parent. The development of social skills, academics and emotional intellect will increase, if the online games which are playing, are the right ones.

Online games will give children chance to play with other children from all parts of the world. They will learn how to socialize, and learn about teamwork, with many people around the world. Though parents must pay attention on the time based, by accompanying them while they are playing the games. So that children will not forget, what is the time, whether they are going to have a dinner, or taking a bath.

Parents should take full responsibility, and not leaving the parenting to the games. Parents should always keep an eye on the games that their children are playing, due to many dangers on the internet that children might become exposed to while gaming.

Online Games Business and Culture

Based on Castronova's book of Synthetic Worlds: The Business and Culture of Online Games, Castronova believes that online games are affecting the real-world culture and economy, also creating real value. Survey conducted by Edward Castronova, Ph.D., an economist, has found that MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games) enthusiasts are not typical high school geeks. Over half the players of EverQuest are adults with full-time jobs, and a typical player who spends 29 hours per week in Norrath, an artificial world, created online by participants in a computer game called EverQuest.

Castronova also believes that MMORPGs will offer social scientists, a valuable research tool. A synthetic world enables researchers to control variables as needed. Just as MMORPGs are useful in classrooms and social science labs, in which can serve a role in monetary policy research, suggests Castronova.

Editorial Reviews of Synthetic Worlds: The Business and Culture of Online Games by Edward Castronova

Synthetic Worlds is a surprisingly profound book about the social, political, and economic issues arising from the emergence of vast multiplayer games on the Internet.

What Castronova has realized is that these games, where players contribute considerable labor in exchange for things they value, are not merely like real economies, they are real economies, displaying inflation, fraud, Chinese sweatshops, and some surprising in-game innovations.

Tim Harford
Chronicle of Higher Education

There is a surprisingly large and growing number of people spending an astonishingly large amount of time - and financial resources - playing online games. These games build upon the platform of the Internet and enable users to interact in an increasingly realistic world.

Synthetic Worlds introduces a wide range of perspectives to this important phenomenon. It is a valuable and informative book that makes a significant contribution to a growing and important area of social life.

Lawrence Lessig
Author of Free Culture: How Big Media Uses Technology and the Law to Lock Down Culture and Control Creativity

Child Growth at Golden Age

Your child is your most valuable treasure. Every children are born unique, with their own potentials and characters, having no equal that could never be compared to each other. You might then wonder, How does your parenting style? Will it work with your child? How will your child end up in the future? Read this poem to consider on something to think about your parenting style!

The needs of each child is not the same, because the children's needs are different, and every family also has different parenting style. That's why, parent's response to each child is also different. There's a possibility that other families parenting style could be applied to yours. It's all yours to decide whether you use it or not.

Although nowadays it's hard to parenting your child with so many bad influences around your neighbourhood. The basic of child main education is started from the family itself.

Pictures of this!

A year old to 7 years old child's mind is like a glass of water. A bad education or influence is like a spoonful of tea water. See what's the colour of the glass if it filled with water and, let's say, 4 spoonful of tea water! Another glass of water will purify, by dropping it into the 1st glass of water, that already mixed with tea water.

If I would say that, 4 spoonful of tea water is bad educations in a day, and the 2nd glass of water that purified the 1st one, is good educations in a year. How can we purify our child's mind then, if we can't give good educations everyday in a year, with bad educations, side by side filled him everyday too!!

In a talk show with Donna Agnesia, Indonesian famous presenter, titled Child Growth at Golden Age, Donna shared her experiences caring for her three children, Lionel (5), Diego (3), and Sabrina (1), started with characters building, tips on dividing attentions to all her children, to the concept of children's education.

You may consider the parenting style of Donna and her husband, Darius Sinathrya, Indonesian actor and also TV Show presenter. Donna and Darius are Indonesian famous celebrity couple who love to share their successful marriage and family tips. Below are their tips of parenting guides, in which might suitable to be applied for your child at home.

Become Friends
With her husband, Donna admitted that everyday, she prefered to communicate with her children as a friend. So that the children are to be more open and free to express. We don't talk to our children like a child with his parent, but talked like a child with his friend, by using more simple language. As much as possible to reduce using the word don't, although sometimes it difficult to find the other words instead. If the word don't be said too often, children will become lazy to talk to their parents. Just like when the time we often had prohibited by our parents, then finally we were more open to talk to our friends rather than to our parents, she said.

Just like communicating with friends, when children make mistakes, you can ask him to talk, advice Donna. Instead of being angry with him, better if given obvious reasons when you warned your child about particular mistake. Children are now critical, they will ask back to you. Why did you forbid him? They want to know what was the reason, she said.

Be More Creative
Parents should not be less intelligent and creative with their children, said Donna. Before bed, Lionel always asked her to tell a story. If there was no book, Darius or myself make our own story, added Donna.

You should not always buy expensive toys for your children. You can create a toy yourself from what's available at home. If you can, it doesn't matter anymore, but no need to force yourself to buy expensive toys according to child's age or development. If you have to purchase it, there's a period of time that make your children not always able to play with their toys. What is important that the parents should be more creative, she said.

Family Education
Basic education is within the family itself. Although the child schooled from an early age, family is still be a source of learning indeed. Even so, she was admitted that children in early childhood education is also needed, such as preschool. However, parents have to make sure that they have a clear goal, when register their children to a preschool.

I had to send my children to preschool from the age of two, the goal is more to help him socialize, know with others and learn to share, so that he do not grow into a selfish person, said Donna.

Equal Affection
If the number of children increases, parents need to give love equally. How? Give attention according to the children's needs. At every level age, children have different needs. This is why a different form of attention between the 1st children, 2nd, and so on.

My second child is more demanding, more spoiled. How to handle him is different from my first child. Parent should not be burden with these differences of parenting style. All you need to do is to learn how you can give love emphatically. Just like when we were kids, what were make us happy to be treated like by our parents, she said.

To ensure the children are met their need for affection, it takes a good synergy. According to Donna, when she concentrated on one of her children, her husband played with the others. As much as possible avoid the child of being ignored, and always involve the older brother while you're playing with the younger brother, or vice versa, explains Donna. Parenting is not just a mother's duty, but also need a support from the father, so that children feel loves completely, and didn't feel of treating differently, she added.

Decisive Figure
In the family, a decisive figure is needed for children education. Father is playing important role here, because usually kids are more closer to the mother, so that the father emerged as a respected figure. Children should have a figure that respected but not feared. In my family, My children respected their father, said Donna. By applying her parenting style, Donna hopes that her children will idolize their father, just like she idolized her parent.

Happy Birthday my lovely
Devie Virginia

References :

Gaya "Parenting" ala Donna Agnesia
https://www.kompas.com/news/read/2012/04/13/21333094/Gaya.Parenting.ala.Donna

Something To Think About

Children Learn What They Live: Parenting to Inspire Values by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris

Children Learn What They Live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1998 by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris

The Poem Copyright Controversy

a different version of the poem

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn . . .
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight . . .
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive . . .
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself . . .
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy . . .
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt . . .
BUT
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient . . .
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident . . .
If a child lives with, he learns to be appreciative . . .
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love . . .
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is . . .
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice . . .
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him . . .
If a child lives with friendly-ness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live . . .
WITH WHAT IS YOUR CHILD LIVING?

Dorothy L. Law

TORRANCE UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT
2336 Plaza del Amo
Torrence, California